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I feel like all of the miracles that I have experienced so far in my life, were due to my positive thoughts as well as my never-ending ability to believe in myself. I didn't realize it at the time, but the reason that I was able to come out of this battle with my head above water, was because I told myself that I could. That's what this entire story boils down to. I knew that I could do it. Whatever it was that I needed to accomplish, I knew that I would find a way to survive. I am like that little engine that could, constantly saying to myself “I KNOW I can, I KNOW I can, I KNOW I can!” The most important and difficult moments in my life have come down to that one little saying, “I KNOW I CAN!”
Keep trudging through the mud to the spring on the other side
I am not saying that the miracle you are looking for is the exact one you will get, the point that I am trying to make, is that whatever you want to do, just do it. Don't hold back, Keep going through the pain (unless it's like death-defying pain, I mean then you should stop and go to the ER or something, don't you think? Don't be TOO crazy!), and most importantly SMILE!!! If you can make it through the toughest part doing all of that, you will find yourself on the other side absolutely amazed at your own accomplishments. It's not a cake walk, I won't profess the rough times that we face in life will be easy. I am just saying, hold your head up high and look at them as challenges that only you can overcome, and you will.
Nerve pains that never quit
We last left off with my second surgery, when I was twelve years old. After I left the hospital from that surgery, I no longer had the fire pains in my legs, but my feet felt like they had a very heavy numb shell surrounding them. I could feel the pressure of touch deep down, but a thick layer of numbness surrounded that. Some spots on my legs were overly tender, while others were extremely numb. Quite frequently, (and always when I was trying to sleep) I started getting nerve pains that felt like daggers slicing from the very center of the ball of my foot all the way up to through the center of my kneecap. These nerve pains hurt so bad that. often, I would lay awake crying at night, instead of sleeping. It didn't occur to me that this wasn't normal. I had been going through major medical issues for so much of my small life, that to me this WAS normal. Over time, these nerve pains would increase in intensity and bother my sleep habits even more.
I found sanctuary in books
In school I wasn't in P.E., instead, I got to work in the most wonderful place in my school, the library. The amazing and wonderful librarians that I worked with, all showed me so much love. and would become part of the reason I fell in love with books. I seriously LOVED working in the library; shelving books, reading books, wandering isles to see what new books I wanted, and reading to the kindergartners. I loved everything about the library, it was my sanctuary. Wanting nothing more than to be normal, the library provided me with adventures beyond my wildest dreams. Through the pages of the many books that I read, I was able to travel and adventure to my heart's content. My fictitious friends and their many dramas would help me to travel to all the places I could go and do all the things that I wanted to do. Through books, my dreams were created and achieved.
Time moved forward and I began to get outside again
As time moved forward, I began to get back into sports and the great outdoors, yet again. The nerve pains had not gone away, but I had gotten used to ignoring them during the day. (The night was a different story, I sometimes dreaded going to bed because of this.) My Dad and I started back up our weekend rituals of hiking in Yosemite, snowboarding the Sierras, and wakeboarding our local lakes. Weekends in the summer looked like him and I on the lake, wakeboarding to my heart's content. He taught me how to dock the boat, drive the boat, trailer the boat, and pull him on a wakeboard behind the boat. We would go camping with the boat, taking all of our camping gear to an island and camping there with the boat tied up on the beach. We hiked our favorite trails and visited all of my favorite national parks, exploring the backcountry and taking in all the scenic views. Those days were dreamy to me. Out in nature, enjoying peace and wakeboarding. On the weekends in the wintertime, we snowboarded all over the Sierra's and Colorado. Growing up, those moments were the ones that I cherished the most with my dad. I loved being outdoors and my dad was willing to accommodate, for he loved being outdoors as much as I do.
Something wasn't right…
Just after my Junior year in high school, my Dad was laid off and we ended up having to move from California to Texas. Even though we had moved all over the country all throughout our elementary years, I was still totally disappointed to not graduate with all my California friends. I would have to complete my final year of high school in a new school. After we moved to Texas, the snowboarding stopped. With no mountains close by, there was no snowboarding to be had. I now solely relied on wakeboarding to feed my need for extreme sports. I didn't realize until snowboarding was out of the picture, that I would love wakeboarding way more than I ever loved snowboarding. It became a sort of zen thing for me. When I was wakeboarding on the lake, I was somewhere else. All of my problems, worries, and fears had never existed in this world and bliss is all that I felt. One day during a wakeboarding session with my dad, I started noticing a new sensation in my arms that was causing me trouble. Every time I yelled to my dad “hit it!”, he would start to pull me out of the water. As soon as the rope was taught, I got an electrical sensation down my arms into my fingers, forcing me to let go of the rope. This happened several times that day, and even more on the next. My biggest fears were being confirmed. I needed to find a new doctor because something was clearly wrong.
Continue my story A Little Further Down the Rabbit Hole with Part 3 of my story!
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